I didn’t intend to write about trust this year. Quite frankly, I didn’t know how to write about it since I’m not all that good at it. Typically, I like writing about topics I’ve gained some grasp on by God’s grace. Topics I’ve forged a little pathway through and can say, “Come this way, I’ve traveled this path and it’s safe!”

Yet here I am, writing about a path I’ve just barely started on; a lifeboat I’ve just barely crawled into and feel ever ready to jump out of. But I’m growing too tired to jump. Admittedly, I’m in this lifeboat of trusting God because self-reliance is too wearisome and I think I nearly drowned because of it. So here I sit, in this new-to-me lifeboat, a little humbled and fairly scared. Humbled that I fought so hard and for so long against trusting God and scared, realizing just how little control I actually have over this ocean of life, death, and everyday circumstances.

So here is my humble little essay on trusting God.

Like any good Bible scholar, I started by looking up all the verses with the word “trust” in them. Many of the ones I found were in Psalms written by King David (the second king of the nation of Israel). What shocked me was not how many times he used the word “trust,” but the emotions and circumstances surrounding it. If you don’t know about King David, he was often fleeing for his life while navigating wars and personal conflicts. He was also no stranger to fears and failures, grievous sins, and terrible losses. In one Psalm, David was fighting through anger. In another Psalm he was afraid. In other Psalms he was also fainthearted, restless, fearful, lonely, forgotten, tearful, surrounded by evil, overwhelmed by his iniquity, spoken ill of, oppressed, sorrowful, and full of grief.

As Christians, I think we often try to show up to the task of trusting God with a clean emotional slate. We say to ourselves, “Now buck up good Christian, you mustn’t let God know you’re [afraid, tired, overwhelmed, lost, confused, barely scraping by, etc.],” but I think this is exactly when we can show up. I wish with all my heart I could tell you all the ins and outs of how to trust God, but, to be honest, I’m still figuring that part out myself. What I am realizing, though, is that David has at least shown us when to trust God. In Psalm 62, David says to “Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Selah (Psalm 62:8).”

David was no stranger to deep emotions, suffering, sin, and failure, and yet he often wrote about trusting God. So I don’t think we have to clean ourselves up or muster a false sense of holiness in order to trust God either. When we are angry, we can trust God. When we are afraid, we can trust God. When we are lonely, tired, confused, short on cash, short on patience, short on time, abilities, or strength, we can trust God. In fact, I believe these are exactly the times when we should trust Him.

But again, how? Or at least, how do we start?

David, in the midst of all his life’s circumstances, gives us a glimpse. He says to “Pour out your heart before Him.” Maybe this is where we start with trusting God. Maybe we open our mouths and utter just a few words about how little we have trusted Him lately. Maybe we tell Him about the deep root of fear in our lives or all the unbelief we’ve found lurking in the corners of our hearts and minds. Maybe we tell Him why we feel like we can’t trust Him, or where we’ve felt let down, or that we don’t even know how to pray or what to pray for. Maybe we open our hearts and start with a confession and ask for forgiveness for not trusting Him. Maybe we just say, “God, I don’t know what to say, but here I am, trying to trust You.”

For me, it started with this prayer, “God, I confess my [deep, deep, deep root of] fear.”

You see, the other part of this study that has shocked me even more than the emotions and circumstances surrounding David’s call to trust God is that through it all David could still say, “God is a refuge for us.” For me, when I fail or suffer or just have no clue what I’m doing in life, I grow fearful. I flail about in the waters of life thinking it’s all up to me to somehow fix and figure out. That if I just think, and pray, and research hard enough, eventually it will all make sense and fall into place. But that hasn’t been the case so far. In fact, I sometimes wonder if some things might not be fixable in this life, if some things might never be understandable this side of heaven, if some things maybe aren’t meant to fall into place the way I thought they would or be as clean and tidy as I hoped they would be. 

David knew by experience that money, health, comfort, and even relationships could come and go in the blink of an eye. He knew that life was ever-changing and that his own life and heart were sometimes equally as messy. But I think he believed God was still greater. David starts Psalms 62 off by saying, “For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.”

David was in the lifeboat.

What I find most beautiful about David’s life is that in the midst of all the chaos and failures, he kept trusting God. I’m not there yet, but I’ve started the journey. To be honest, I’m not sure if I’m in this lifeboat of trusting God on purpose or by God’s gracious hand pulling me in, but I do know I don’t have enough knowledge, strength, or even energy to keep swimming on my own anymore. I feel more and more the desperate need to believe like David that I can trust God, that I can freely talk to Him, and that somehow, through all life’s circumstances, God will be my refuge.

Want to join me? There’s plenty of room in the boat.